My Life As A Fat Kitty

well, i made it back…

so much has come and gone. i stayed broken up with my boyfriend, he got a new job, a better attitude and a grip on the drinking/pot smoking thing (although my preference would be that it not be a part of his life at all).he has so much more self esteem and has been treating me really well. no more blow ups, mood swings, and he even treats me like a princess. he is going out of his way to introduce me to his friends and business associates, is making double what he was. winning me back? maybe ; )

i am feeling better about myself…so much so that i have lost a little more weight and found the strength to delete all of my siblings phone numbers from my cel. i also deleted them from my facebook. i did this because i have always known that they were very hurtful, damaged, unhappy and unsupportive people, but then, it’s hard to cut your family off. i guess i’m just no longer willing to put up with abuse from the ones i love out of the fear that they may be right when they say things like “you’re going to die alone because no one can stand being around you”.

now, i am helping my mom out (she just had a double mastectomy - which has brought out the worst in my siblings who are too busy/emotionally unavailable/grossed out  to care for her and think that i am only caring for her in order to make them look bad…and to garner attention (of course).

i feel good. tired, but good. i want to lose this weight and gain back the confidence i once had so that i will never question myself based on the opinion of another …no matter what they mean to me. i know that people only hurt you when they are hurt, scared, threatened, unhappy or insecure…and, though i feel for everyone who is feeling any of the aforementioned,  i can’t let anyone hurt me like that again.

i may be fat, but i am still good.

i was trying to reset my mini goal and accidentally changed my start date to today - now this means that i have no record of having come from 190 to 179 lbs and i lost my star for10 lbs. lost : (

i suppose i could look at it a different way - there is also no record that i ever weighed 190 lbs ; )

i have endured all for love. i went from 118 lbs to 190. i met and fell in love with a man who does not know how to love. a damaged man. a sensitive man in pain. a man incapable of giving me support. incapable of being there for me. incapable of listening. incapable of being the man that i thought he was. 7 years have come and gone. i’ve been left, fat, ugly and 7 years older. my friends are gone (i neglected them for him, so i don’t blame them).

 every woman needs to feel pretty. to be kissed. i can’t remember either. 7 years is a long time. romance? confidence? i don’t remember those either. i deserve the “fat ugly ass” comments…even the “fat, ugly, old ass bitch” comments.

i became the woman i always thought he saw in me. why else would he not be aroused by me (even when i fought everyone else off at 118 lbs, the singer, bass player in a band, funny and single with a heart of gold)…so why would he want me now?why could he never stomach kissing me? why would he never be motivated to take me out once in a while? to treat me with respect? to show appreciation for all that i did for him?

 i became unlovable. fat, ugly and old…but, in the beginning, it wasn’t so.

i became the nagging bitch that all men dread. i was never like this. never jealous, never clingy or needy, but, how else does one cope with feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected?

 if there was another way, it eluded me, and now i am alone with my fat, ugly, old damaged self and my bleeding heart.

i never want to be touched by another man. never.

though i longed for his touch, i’d just as soon continue to wither, than risk falling deeper into this hole by letting another near me.

and even if there was a kind and selfless stranger extending a ladder, i’m not sure, at this point that i’d take it…i’m so embarrassed, humiliated and defeated.

i’ve become a cliche. i am one of those pathetic women…a victim, how did this happen? i don’t know, but now it’s me. 

 O_O

no food journal, no watching my portions…just couldn’t do it : (

after 10 beers, and a ton of insults he says that he got a promotion, will be making a ton of money, and leaving my “sorry fat ass” without rent

now, even though we were already broken up because my calling the police after he hit me was “the last straw” in his eyes…”how dare i?” “how i could i do that to him?” he asked.

nevermind the bigger question…how could he?

i just didn’t have the strength : (

O_O

well, the good news is, for the first time, my bmi indicates that i am no longer (technically) obese…yay.

i have not been here in a long while. my life has been a disaster since i was here last (i don’t know how i still manage to lose a few pounds since i was here last).

my boyfriend and i are technically broken up, though it’s very difficult to tell since we still live together(for financial reasons)and are still alternating between fighting, staying out of each others way and missing the love we had (or thought we had).

it really sucks when you realize how isolated you’ve become after a seven year relationship distances you from your friends to the point where you aren’t sure your friends remember or would even recognize you if they saw you.

although i am finding it easier not to eat with the loss of apetite i am experiencing due to the love withdrawals i am experiencing,  don’t seem to be able to muster the energy to do much physical activity in my severely depressed state.

i pray that i magically get over him, he magically stops drinking, smoking pot and abusing me whenever he’s in crisis, or life ends (for me, at least).

O_O 

so, even though i still don’t have a scale, i hve been keeping my food journal and sticking with what works ; )

 this morning i was a little nervous about going the weekend without a weigh in, so i decided to go into my closet and try on some low cut black jeans that i had bought right before i decided to lose the weight (i couldn’t even button them - they were supposed to be incentive to lose weight since they were cute and on sale).

the good news is…i wore them to work today!!!!!

so, i ‘m not sure about my actual weight, but i think i must be doing ok - cause i’m wearing new low cut jeans today!

i was at a friend’s house, went to the bathroom, stripped and snuck a weigh in …183!!!!!!!! almost to my mini goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok - so i’ve been without a scale now since the last time i weighed in (my roommate dropped it when we were cleaning!).

 needless to say, i am a little panicky, ’cause i haven’t had a chance nor the money to replace it yet.

the one encouraging thing is that my jeans are fitting looser, so i guess i’m ok.

 man - who’d have thought the scale could be my friend?

 O_O 

haven’t been anywhere near a scale tday and i am really craving the jolt i get from seeing the numbers go down : (

so, i managed to weigh in saturday and sunday mornings

and despite my monthly bloat, i  lost a pound for each of those days (woohoo!!!)

i did treat myself to a  sugar cookie on easter (a cute little pink and lavender egg)…

now i just need to hold my breath, cross my fingers and prepare myself for the damage report

it figures i can’t weigh myself on the day after i eat a cookie : (

 it’s like waiting for the results of a medical test…it sucks!